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[Monday, 22.06/09 @ 04:56PM]
Apparently, having a car = no updating livejournal. Woops. As of late:

Mike, Maria, plans to get a place, Los Pueblos, Kathy, the porch, spiral, l rides, weird coincidences, first trips, bonding, Bonnie, Leah, Joe, Matt, Untermyer, Lauren, cherry cloves, Andrew, sleepovers, grand theft auto (grand borrowing auto technically?), blunts, change, work with Joseph, sick beats, awesome rap, smoke streak, knocking classical down 100, beers, whiskey, free alize, surprises, Andrew, random/funny encounters, being taught and teaching things, Cynthia is finally home from England for the summer. =)

Oh, Conor Oberst & the Mystic Valley Band with Jenny Lewis for free for 4th of July. Turning 21 the next day. Will have my house to myself for a few days a few days beforehand, Rube on the 11th. Harry Potter on the 15th, Siren Fest on the 19th.

[Wednesday, 03.06/09 @ 09:21AM]
I haven't been on here in a while... too busy getting eaten alive by mosquitoes, almost passing out due to lack of food/water and heat, and having orbs of love power floating around behind my head... oh, and scouring Queens at 4:30AM.

What's been going on?
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I love my mind when I'm fucking you. [Friday, 15.05/09 @ 06:04PM]
I wish I wasn't so fucking self-conscious. I wish I could open my damn mouth and let the words in my head out instead of ineffectively alluding to things. I wish I had the confidence you did when you'd drop those lines in my ears, when you'd eye me from across the room, when you'd whisper and beckon me over with a wave of your hand. Fuck feeling like I can't speak my damn mind because I'm a girl and what I have to say happens to be vulgar and perverse. I am so angry with the world and almost everyone in it for making me feel like shit about myself my entire life.
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Some people have depth, some people just drown. [Monday, 11.05/09 @ 04:10PM]

I've been silent so long I think I've forgotten how to speak.

Call someone, anyone

just to hear the sound of my own voice, just to rationalize why I do these things. I need to hear myself out loud rationalizing why it's okay, why I want it, why I'm willing to go this far. I need to hear this new voice and search deep in there for a glimpse of my old one. Addiction breeds anger, confusion, corners of eyes red from wiping away tears, furrowed brows, blackened, sunken eyes, blood. I say I'll stop but the instant the opportunity arises my pupils are the size of dimes. My heart races like a little girl in love. Is that all I am? A little girl in love with her addiction and subsequent misery? I can't answer the questions I pose, so I dial. Ring... 2... 3... 4... 5... Hi. You've... Click. It's like that for all of them. So I text you, try to start a conversation implying more than just wondering how you are, implying that I think I might be dying and I don't know how to save myself. But you're busy and either aloof or indifferent, so I let you go. Continue on with the epic novel being scrawled into my brain.

Don't speak. Keep it inside where it belongs.

Fuck it. If listening is too much of a burden I'll spare you of it. I'll keep my damn mouth shut. I'll answer your questions and laugh at your jokes, but inside I'm not there and never will be. I'll let my judgement be clouded. I'll light up, get lit up, trip, flip, and drop. I'll get loud, outgoing, and petty, just the way you like it - never serious. I'll sink further and further into the depths of addiction because that's how you like it. I need to please you. I need to take the knife, plunge it deep into my chest, and dig. I'll just hope for a miracle. The damage is already done. Leaving may be the only thing to do but I'll find the junkies, the alcoholics, the addicts. I'll find the ones everyone tells me are mine no matter where I go. I can't hide.


I can't ever escape.

Run. Run. RUN.

And then the phone rings and a new opportunity presents itself. So I turn around and crawl back into my dark cave, our dark cave, wondering,

Will I ever emerge?

I figure, I'll just keep writing and deleting periodically. It makes me feel better, cleansed. [Saturday, 02.05/09 @ 12:37PM]
I've deleted everything in here. It feels better.
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